I just wonder...
Is there anything unique in me? Many things I do I do realize my mom has done. But this feeling is more universal to me; what is there that makes me unique? What makes me something that nobody never has been?

Nothing

And everything. Of course it is the combination of these pieces and still I am a part of the great web of life. My parents has not met the same people, been where I've been, but they have certainly met similar people and done similar things.

Similar

It's that word, similar. It is not the "same". So I just have to face the fact that everything makes me similar to my parents. And yet - noting.

Who am I?

I'm nobody and everybody.

This is a posting I have also done on Diving Deeper

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Til the day I understood what real dreaming is I remember always wanting to be somewhere - anywhere but where I was. Today I know what real dreaming is and therefore I am here, exactly where I want to be, right now.

I close my eyes and take a deep inhale of this air mixture of smog, millions of people moving, bakeries sugar flower blending with hamburger joint greasy smell and occasional poisoned carbon dioxide gasping tree on the sideway. The mixture is hot, somewhat middle-aged, like me. Not that I'm hot by own means, not any longer. My temper is calm.

To inhale this place, to get its vibe, I close my eyes and breathe with my skin with my arms extended and fingers spread out. I have this invisible feeling, but certainly some accidental by passers throw an eye on the strange lady. Inside my own cocoon I feel safe to feel, to dream.

Dreaming myself, dreaming my life and everything in it, heartbeat for heartbeat. Instead of wondering who I am I just am who I dream that I am. I am.

Today, now, I will dream myself into these people's minds, inside their hopes and fears, their desires and demons. These millions of unique and at the same time so heart wrenchingly similar thoughts and hopes. Is there anything else than victims and villains walking by?

Career dreams by costume wearing persons. They have many plans how to show off, how to place themselves in better position. Better in their eyes I may add, smiling inwards. Bottom line is - make more money. And money is the issue for the major part of people, how to get more, how to spend more, how afford that thing and this item. How to collect things, drugs, affection.

Relationship problems and problems to get into a relationship. Find that illusive other completing half of yourself. Having sex. A lot of sexual thoughts fly around in people's minds. I can sense the ones that had some, right this morning. A young man, smiling secretly had it with another man, just one hour ago. He is happy and so is his friend as far as he knows. He is not thinking about money or his career as bartender.

A monk is passing by. He tries to collect his mind. He is scared. He ate a hotdog two blocks from here. Is he about to ruin his long flawless life because of relenting to a desire for meat, something he is not supposed to eat? He is imagining all that karma from the meat he just received inside his system, digesting and consuming it. He helped to kill a living being by purchasing that piece of meat. His gluttony with the hotdog just ten minutes ago makes his trouble filled stomach revolt and he end up in throwing up the messy rests of the hotdog by the sideway wall.

People jump aside and some of them curse "watch out man" or "idiot" perhaps. No-one there to ask if the monk needs help. No, they are only afraid if his vomit has stained on them and their more or less pensive outfits.

I open my eyes.

An older lady is looking at me and she seems to be at unease. Yes, I think I killed her in another life. I send the hottest love beam straight into her thru my eyes. That beam is collected from the dreamy dusts of the moon itself. Moon, that is present together with the sun today, pale, but strong. My moon, the reflector, the best sender without self being the source. Our fabulous moon.

And I see myself.

~ o ~

Nono

Some people are like conflict magnets. They seem to flame up in every occasion.

I have been, and perhaps still am in certain pov, afraid of these kind of situations. Most specially at work when I am in a leading position and somebody on my department starts to flame about something. Often about situations that I never wouldn't flame about (this tires me out at times).

It has been a struggle. I am of course forced to bring up questions that I know will start a conversation in harsh manner. This is because of the nature of the people.

Well, I have started to notice that if I just stand in my truth totally calm (on the outside) and methodically explain my pov it ease after a while. There is not much that can stand against calmness. This is something I've noticed with President Obama. The man is incredible in his calmness - it gives faith, right? People automatically tend to bend when someone is so calm and certain.

It has been a good lesson for me, good year of learning.

What I found

Is a story of what I didn't.

There was no great serenity, no big revelations.. yes, I greeted Him and I exhanged respect and thanked Him many times. He was gentle with me. Showed His face and kept it open as long as I was there, sure.

But when I was there I was so much in struggle with a relatioship to a teenager I call my daughter. I struggled of how I could really reach her, come through. We were at unease.

Many weeks has gone now and we are back in Sweden. We have had our tiny moments and it is so easy to slip back in the pattern, so easy. We had a deal that she would do some chores at home while I'm in work, she suggested it, as a payment of some other favors she had just got.

Things done = 0

Maybe I have forgotten the youth, how it was? Maybe there's something there somewhere.
When I have rested an hour my irritation has gone... okay, so we didn't say when, we actually didn't. I can't blame her.

So I finnished to read a book today. Paulo Coelhos Onze minutos (Eleven minutes) and it really made me think of what is and what is important. When is time to let go of things, when is enough?

We are learing along the road, while we do it.

Don't have the answer and I'm not enlightend in any means. But I know this

Something has happend.

Yeah, so it did happen, the other day last week.

When I was on my morninground and really tired after a bad night sleep... then all the sudden I noticed that I was running. This amazed me hugely. I haven't run since high school because I hate running.
It was not a marathon by own means, it was just 100 meters. But I didn't imagine I would want to run. And maybe it wasn't me, it was my body... remembering that I was totally mind-wise still half in sleep and half conscious. It must be that, my body have mind of it's own...

God, my body must've been hating me all these years of lying on sofa.

Sorry darling, I hope I will continue walking (running?!?) after the trip to Japan.

"They" say that it takes 21 days to establish a new habbit.

Well - duh!

I decided, aproximately 5-6 weeks ago, that I would wake up one hour earlier every morning and take a long walk. This due to improve my health, loose some weight and become perky.
So, up I go... almost every day, weekends are bad though and mornings with rain and mornings in common... What to do?
It is totally amazing how fantastic my brain is to conjure up excuses to not go up from my cosy bed five in the morning. It can say to me things like: "You were so good yesterday, do you have to be that good today too? You can go up, by own means, but go to the living room and make some situps instead. Why go out in that rain, hun?"
Sit-ups my ass.
So I have to get angry and yell at me. I do it quietly though, not to wake up entire household with cursing. Somewhere from inside this furioso arises and starts to yell: "You bloody old bag, get up your ass NOW! Out and walk, in fresh air. Get up your fat ass...!" Etc. So I get so ingredibly angry that I bounce up from my bed and when I'm up it becomes quiet. Well, I usually go up and not back in bed.
And sometimes I don't even know that I'm awake before I get to the point of uphill on my morning round

My co-workers laugh at me and often ask me which one won this morning. So, I better walk the walk...

Was walking one morning and thinking that



every cherry I eat
has been visited by a bee
as blossom



and this is the blossoming time with bees.

I've been often thinking that I have a bunch of "friends" on my friends list that I have to admit I don't actually know. We started somewhere around a mutual interest, they contacted me or I contacted them and after couple of hey-ho mails, nothing. And hey, that is not a "bad" thing, I mean, let's not put a value on it. They just are there, some of them - friends. Well...

So I was thinking what if, some day soon perhaps, I send a mail to my "unknown" friends and really start to pursue knowing them in depth, or at least more deeply, at least.

What kind of stories there are behind those pics, those nicnames, those profiles? Are they happy? Do they live at their fullest or are they waiting a bit (just like me, heh heh). Are they married or with someone? What troubles them? Do they have many bad habbits? How do they see themselves as? Bad, good, average, special...? What has been their most defining moment so far and why? Or perhaps they have had several such moments? What did they learn from it? Are they addicted to something in good or bad way? What are their dreams?

So, how do you do.

Did wrote a letter to a friend of mine that goes like this:

'Normal' gives me itch. I don't believe in 'normal' as concept and it can't be defined. Normal is only a thing the majority do in similar circumstance perhaps -- uhm, I struggle with normal I guess. It is definitely more 'negatively' charged than 'positively' (also definitions) in my mind.

Yeah, every definition can be proven otherwise -- that's my pov.